How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from aquarium and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

January 27, 2010 at 8:43 pm Leave a comment

Perfection

Recently I experienced one of those nights where everything was far from perfect, but still great enough that I wouldn’t have wanted to change anything. We didn’t do what we’d planned to do, but what we did was awesome nonetheless and to say that things could have been even better is something that can never be proved, because I can’t imagine a night “better” then that. So what are the ingredients to a great night?

- Friends. Preferably close, but not necessarily. The only important thing is that everyone be there to have fun and let things progress naturally

- Illegal substances. I know people who will say that these aren’t necessary and while I agree with that, these are always good to have around

- Good music. 70s and 80s preferably. No 90s (what a crappy time for music) and preferably not much released after that either. Floyd, Marley, Beatles.

- A host who is willing to put up with all kinds of crazy. Preferably one who will encourage it.

- A cook. For that early morning after-after-party breakfast.

- A venue. Preferably someones home. One you feel comfortable in, or can very quickly get comfortable with.

- Candles. For when there is no bijli

January 25, 2010 at 3:05 am Leave a comment

How Many Dogs Does It Take…

…to change a lightbulb (taken from Cats Clicker Training Yahoo Group)

GOLDEN RETRIEVER
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid light bulb.

BORDER COLLIE
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

DACHSHUND
You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

ROTTWEILER
Make me.

LABRADOR
Oh me, me!!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I please?

GERMAN SHEPHERD
I’ll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to verify that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation

TIBETIAN TERRIER
Let the Border Collie do it.  You can feed me while he’s busy

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER
No prob, Dude.  I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it for me.  By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL
Why change it?  In the dark I can pee on the carpet.

DOBERMAN
While it is dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

BOXER
Who cares?  I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

CHIHUAHUA
Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.

POINTER
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

GREYHOUND
It isn’t moving

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD
First I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle. . . .

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG
Light bulb?  I’m sorry I don’t see a light bulb.  Did one burn out?

HOUND
ZZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z.z.z

THE CAT
Dogs do not change light bulbs.  People do.  The question is how long will it be before I can expect some light in here?

All of which proves, once again that while dogs have owners, cats have staff.

January 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm Leave a comment

A Dog’s Diary Vs A Cat’s Diary

Taken from the Cat Clicker training Yahoo Group

FROM A DOG’S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am -OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM – ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

——————————————————————————–

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY

DAY 752 –
My captors continue to taunt me
with bizarre
little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is
the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction
I get from ruining the occasional
piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 –
Today my attempt to kill my captors
by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost
succeeded, must try this
at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust
and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced
myself to
vomit on their favorite chair…
must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 –
Decapitated a mouse and brought
them the headless body, in attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and
to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.

DAY 768 –
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the
water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only
consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 –
There was some sort of gathering
of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of the glass tubes
they call "beer.." More importantly
I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other
captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously
a half-wit. The bird on the other
hand has got to be an informant,
and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every
move. Due to his current placement
in the metal room his safety is
assured. But I can wait, it is
only a matter of time.

January 4, 2010 at 8:35 pm Leave a comment

2009…

As per New Year tradition…

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Started driving. Yay! A huge milestone for me considering I’m deathly scared of getting into a car accident!

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I never make any resolutions. As I said last year, it’s like setting yourself up for disaster.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

One cousin had a baby girl. A cute one at that. Yay! We need cuteness in the family. Sadly we are usually found lacking in that department.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My Nani (actually, my Nani’s and Dada’s sister) died this year.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. It’s been a while since I’ve spent a whole year in the country. Yay!

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

I said PSP last year, and I still want either that or a PS3. Or an Xbox. My brother got gifted a Wii for his birthday by my bhabhi. Makes me want to get married. Maybe I’ll get cool gifts for my birthday then.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

December 5th. For many reasons. Well, mostly for one. But that’s for me to know.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Opening up to people.

9. What was your biggest failure?

No crazy partying while Amma/Baba were in Bangladesh. How sad!? The whole house (almost) to myself and no crazy stories to share. Must make up for it in the summers!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No. *touchwood*

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Oh. These awesome boots on eBay.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Tabinda Baig. She’s grown so much and become a very confident leader. I’m much impressed Ms. Baig!

13.Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

AIESEC Lahore. Well, not all of you. Just the new ones. Now go complain that I pick on you. =P

14.Where did most of your money go?

Going out with friends. I spend some 50% of my money at Gelato, Gloria’s, Mocca, and Rendezvous. I should get a special discount!

15.What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Getting my cats. After 7 years of no pets, I finally got cats. Yay!

16.What song will always remind you of 2009?

Amplifier.

17.Compared to this time last year,

I. are you happier or sadder?

Happier

II. thinner or fatter?

Thinner

III. richer or poorer?

Richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Exercise.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Bake. Seriously. I think next year, my answer to Q#17 II will be fatter. And that I can’t take.

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?

No. (Note: I don’t think I ever will either)

21. How many one-night stands?

Nil

22. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. I don’t think I can hate people. Intensely dislike, maybe, but hate implies never wanting to associate with someone again and I think people change over time so your feelings towards them change as well.

23. What was the best book you read?

The worst one was Dan Brown’s latest. Ugh. What a waste of time. This year was kinda sad in terms of books. Didn’t read any amazing ones.

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?

I started listening to The Killers and Kings of Leon, although they can hardly be called a “discovery”.

25. What did you want and get?

I got a new iPod. I didn’t even know I wanted it until I got it. =D

26. What did you want and not get?

The PS3 (or 2 for that matter). I also wanted to get a Blackberry, but now that’s been put off till next year.

27. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hangover was hands down the funniest.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 26 and had dinner with my family. The day before I invited friends over for dinner. Good times.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Scratching something off my Bucket List.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

I think I’m finally growing up *groans*. I got skinny jeans, high heeled boots, fancy bags, and other frilly things that I would’ve smirked at two years ago. I know how to apply makeup, I care about my hair and nails. Somebody stop me ;)

31. What kept you sane?

Myself. Haha. Same as last year. There’s too many people around me now. I need to keep myself sane.

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ugh. I can’t believe that twit Pattinson was #2 on my list last year. Jon Abraham makes it back to #1 this year. Dude. What-ay hottie!

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

You want me to choose one?

34. Who did you miss?

Naureen and Ammar.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

So many! This was a year for meeting new people. 2010 shall be spent getting to know them better ;)

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:

Try, try again.

January 1, 2010 at 9:31 pm Leave a comment

5K Plan

After researching quite a few couch-to-5K plans, I’ve finally picked one. I like this one because it’s simple, I can track either time or distance, and it’s 9 weeks with just 3 workouts a week.

Week 1
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
Thursday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Week 2
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.
Thursday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Week 3
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following:

  • Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
  • Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following:

  • Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
  • Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

Thursday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then do two repetitions of the following:

  • Jog 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
  • Walk 200 yards (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 400 yards (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 400 yards (or three minutes)

Week 4
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

  • Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes)
  • Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

  • Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes)
  • Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

Thursday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

  • Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 2-1/2 minutes)
  • Jog 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Walk 1/8 mile (or 90 seconds)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

Week 5
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

  • Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)
  • Walk 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
  • Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)

Thursday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog two miles (or 20 minutes) with no walking.

Week 6
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Jog 3/4 mile (or 8 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Jog 1/2 mile (or 5 minutes)

Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then:

  • Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)
  • Walk 1/4 mile (or 3 minutes)
  • Jog 1 mile (or 10 minutes)

Thursday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2-1/4 miles (or 25 minutes) with no walking.

Week 7
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).
Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).
Thursday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.5 miles (or 25 minutes).

Week 8
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).
Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).
Thursday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 2.75 miles (or 28 minutes).

Week 9
Monday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).
Wednesday: Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).
Thursday: The final workout! Congratulations! Brisk five-minute warmup walk, then jog 3 miles (or 30 minutes).

December 3, 2009 at 3:32 am Leave a comment

Something off my bucket list…

While I really wish I would finally be able to check the “fall in love” part, I have to admit that I’m gearing up to do something that might just be even tougher for me – run a 5K. Starting Monday I’ll be training 3 days a week for 8 weeks. Let’s see if we can cross this off the list :)

December 2, 2009 at 12:58 am 1 comment

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