Archive for October, 2009

Random Musings

This feeling. This feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time. The doing something not because you want to do it, but because you feel like you have to. Being somewhere because it seems like a requirement you have to fulfill, rather than a trip you really want to make.

I’ve lived with this feeling. Run away from it. And now, it seems, I’ve come back to it. Square one. Back to square one. After all this running, if this is where I’m going to end up again and again then maybe I need to accept the stark reality and just stop. Stop running and figure this out.

It’s not that I hate all birthdays. I perfectly well enjoy my friends’ birthdays, family members, you name it. Birthdays are fun. The noise makers, balloons, cake and very often, good food makes it enjoyable. I just hate mine.

Not because I’m afraid of getting old. I’m not. I don’t fear old age because I truly believe age is comprised of two parts – the number, and the way you feel – and I don’t feel all that old yet. Not old at all.

I think I don’t like my birthdays because for too long it seemed like people attended them because of some compulsion. The, I’m only here because we’re in the same class, our mom’s are friends, everyone said it would be rude if I didn’t come looks. The rushing right after the cake was cut/food was served. The, I have to go study excuses and they’re gone.

Birthdays should be small. They should be filled with people who love you. People who would have to be forced away from you on that day, not because it’s a special day for them, but because it’s a special day for you and they’d rather not be anywhere else in the world.

But I’m back. I’m back to square one. I’m back to, I’ll try but I can’t promise, let me see if I can get out of this, maybe/maybe nots. I’m back to, you have to have a big birthday because everyone will ask why not.

Birthdays should be unplanned. They should just happen. They should be filled with love and joy and happiness and laughter. They should never be preceded by two days of wondering who will bother to show up and who will stay for how long. They should not be preceded by two days of wondering why you’re doing this when you’d so much rather just sit at home with those closest to you and take in a good movie.


October 27, 2009 at 1:53 pm Leave a comment

I haven’t written in so long and today it’s all coming out so fast I almost don’t have time to process anything before it’s on paper. I wasn’t not writing because there was nothing to say, but because there was so much and I didn’t really know how to say it. Happiness is not something I have ever been good at describing. I write when I’m hurt, angry or sad, and those three emotions have just not been present in my life for a very long time. Until now. But this, too, won’t last, because my life is smooth and bumps are few and far in between. I should be grateful. I am. If only I could write when I was happy. Then I wouldn’t be “that sad, depressed chick” anymore. I’d be “that sickeningly happy and cheerful girl”, but I don’t think I’d like that very much either.

October 24, 2009 at 1:49 pm Leave a comment