How to Give a Cat a Pill

January 27, 2010 at 8:43 pm Leave a comment

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from aquarium and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.


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