Posts tagged ‘Funny’

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from aquarium and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front
and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw,
force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be
rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.

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January 27, 2010 at 8:43 pm Leave a comment

How Many Dogs Does It Take…

…to change a lightbulb (taken from Cats Clicker Training Yahoo Group)

GOLDEN RETRIEVER
The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid light bulb.

BORDER COLLIE
Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.

DACHSHUND
You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!

ROTTWEILER
Make me.

LABRADOR
Oh me, me!!!! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I please?

GERMAN SHEPHERD
I’ll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to verify that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation

TIBETIAN TERRIER
Let the Border Collie do it.  You can feed me while he’s busy

JACK RUSSELL TERRIER
No prob, Dude.  I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.

POODLE
I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it for me.  By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

COCKER SPANIEL
Why change it?  In the dark I can pee on the carpet.

DOBERMAN
While it is dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.

BOXER
Who cares?  I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

CHIHUAHUA
Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.

POINTER
I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.

GREYHOUND
It isn’t moving

AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD
First I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle. . . .

OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG
Light bulb?  I’m sorry I don’t see a light bulb.  Did one burn out?

HOUND
ZZZZZZZzzzzz.z.z.z.z.z

THE CAT
Dogs do not change light bulbs.  People do.  The question is how long will it be before I can expect some light in here?

All of which proves, once again that while dogs have owners, cats have staff.

January 4, 2010 at 8:39 pm Leave a comment

A Dog’s Diary Vs A Cat’s Diary

Taken from the Cat Clicker training Yahoo Group

FROM A DOG’S DIARY

Day number 180
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 PM – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am -OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 PM – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 PM – ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 PM – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

——————————————————————————–

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY

DAY 752 –
My captors continue to taunt me
with bizarre
little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is
the hope of escape, and the mild
satisfaction
I get from ruining the occasional
piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 –
Today my attempt to kill my captors
by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost
succeeded, must try this
at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust
and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced
myself to
vomit on their favorite chair…
must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 –
Decapitated a mouse and brought
them the headless body, in attempt to make
them aware of what I am capable of, and
to try to strike fear into their hearts.
They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not
working according to plan.

DAY 768 –
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are.
For no good reason I was chosen for the
water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical
called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only
consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 –
There was some sort of gathering
of their accomplices. I was placed
in solitary throughout the event.
However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of the glass tubes
they call "beer.." More importantly
I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to
use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other
captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously
a half-wit. The bird on the other
hand has got to be an informant,
and speaks with them regularly.
I am certain he reports my every
move. Due to his current placement
in the metal room his safety is
assured. But I can wait, it is
only a matter of time.

January 4, 2010 at 8:35 pm Leave a comment

Dude, watch out for the parrot…

 

1247603260689

July 24, 2009 at 1:42 pm Leave a comment


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