Posts tagged ‘journal’

Something called love

I have these two friends. Amazing people. The oh-they’re-so-made-for-each-other kind of people. Now I’m not someone who is a big believer in love. I think there are multiple “someones” for everyone out there and therefore the question is merely finding them. However, if I was to believe in true love, these two would have been my example.

And they were together, on and off, for quite a while. When they were “on” it was great, and when they were “off” everyone knew they would get back together so it never really registered as a bad time.

Unfortunately, the last “off” was permanent. She’s moved on (or is trying to). But he’s still stuck, unable to move on, struggling to make some sense of what just happened.

Watching him process this is one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a while.

November 29, 2009 at 10:13 pm Leave a comment

False Promise

I lied. I said I’ll be fine but I’m not. And I won’t be. But I will continue to lie and say that I am so you won’t ask me again. Because that, your worry, that will make me feel so much worse. You are, albeit unknowingly, the cause for my unhappiness and therefore the last person I can talk to about what I’m going through. 

November 27, 2009 at 8:23 pm Leave a comment

Random Musings

This feeling. This feeling I haven’t felt in a very long time. The doing something not because you want to do it, but because you feel like you have to. Being somewhere because it seems like a requirement you have to fulfill, rather than a trip you really want to make.

I’ve lived with this feeling. Run away from it. And now, it seems, I’ve come back to it. Square one. Back to square one. After all this running, if this is where I’m going to end up again and again then maybe I need to accept the stark reality and just stop. Stop running and figure this out.

It’s not that I hate all birthdays. I perfectly well enjoy my friends’ birthdays, family members, you name it. Birthdays are fun. The noise makers, balloons, cake and very often, good food makes it enjoyable. I just hate mine.

Not because I’m afraid of getting old. I’m not. I don’t fear old age because I truly believe age is comprised of two parts – the number, and the way you feel – and I don’t feel all that old yet. Not old at all.

I think I don’t like my birthdays because for too long it seemed like people attended them because of some compulsion. The, I’m only here because we’re in the same class, our mom’s are friends, everyone said it would be rude if I didn’t come looks. The rushing right after the cake was cut/food was served. The, I have to go study excuses and they’re gone.

Birthdays should be small. They should be filled with people who love you. People who would have to be forced away from you on that day, not because it’s a special day for them, but because it’s a special day for you and they’d rather not be anywhere else in the world.

But I’m back. I’m back to square one. I’m back to, I’ll try but I can’t promise, let me see if I can get out of this, maybe/maybe nots. I’m back to, you have to have a big birthday because everyone will ask why not.

Birthdays should be unplanned. They should just happen. They should be filled with love and joy and happiness and laughter. They should never be preceded by two days of wondering who will bother to show up and who will stay for how long. They should not be preceded by two days of wondering why you’re doing this when you’d so much rather just sit at home with those closest to you and take in a good movie.

October 27, 2009 at 1:53 pm Leave a comment

I haven’t written in so long and today it’s all coming out so fast I almost don’t have time to process anything before it’s on paper. I wasn’t not writing because there was nothing to say, but because there was so much and I didn’t really know how to say it. Happiness is not something I have ever been good at describing. I write when I’m hurt, angry or sad, and those three emotions have just not been present in my life for a very long time. Until now. But this, too, won’t last, because my life is smooth and bumps are few and far in between. I should be grateful. I am. If only I could write when I was happy. Then I wouldn’t be “that sad, depressed chick” anymore. I’d be “that sickeningly happy and cheerful girl”, but I don’t think I’d like that very much either.

October 24, 2009 at 1:49 pm Leave a comment

Something scary this way comes

I can feel it in my bones. Sitting here, I sense something other than just me and mine present. Something ominous waiting in the shadows – waiting for the smallest of errors before it pounces and takes that whom we love.

September 4, 2009 at 6:15 am Leave a comment

Who IS this chick?

I just went over the last few posts and something Khamba had said started to really sink in. When did I turn into this chick who talks about shoes, bags and recipes? Really, when?

While I try and look for that awesome-girl-I-used-to-be, I’ll leave you with some random thoughts in my head…

– Went for a hike up to Pir Sohawa. What-a-hike!! Not too long, not too short. All my worrying that I’d want to quit halfway came to nothing. Well, at least I like the physically-fit part of this new me!

– Unrelated…men with moobs need to really *REALLY* start wearing an undershirt when they go jogging. Especially when they are wearing a white T-shirt. Seriously.  No one wants that visual imagery stuck in their head all day.

– Meeting old friends can be fun. Sometimes. Sometimes you’re just wondering what the hell you’re doing at a dinner with people you have nothing in common with anymore. There, I said it.

– Twitter will be my downfall. Along with Facebook and that stupid Farmville game. My lack of self control means I have no chance in hell of quitting = (productivity/100)

– I need to get my life into some form of schedule again. This whole waking-up-when-I-want, sleeping-when-I-want routine is getting old. And boring. Plus I miss the sun. It’ll be gone soon.

– On that note, I can’t believe summers are almost over. Ramzan is starting *groan* and pretty soon boring old Eid will be here. Then October. Then winters. Then staying indoors all the time coz it’s too darned cold and I refuse to step out unless I can take my blanket with me!

– A Blackberry MUST be bought. I don’t know why. I just want one. Completely selfish and childish.

– 26 is a bit over 2 months away. Must decide on present for self and commit to getting it. Toss-up between tattoo and Blackberry. Blackberry might win. Much less permanent.

Alright. I think I’m done. I’ll go look for my awesome self. Be back when I know where she went…

August 20, 2009 at 7:09 am Leave a comment

Summer vacations

Until last year, I’d always had summer vacations. You know, the kind where you get a couple of months off, and you have complete freedom to decide what you want to do. Alright, so my life isn’t exactly tough/laid out in stone, but what I miss is having those couple of months where you don’t have to work, don’t have to study, and can choose to just laze/sleep and generally enjoy your self.

My sister’s in town, with a 6 yr old and a 1 yr old (him being a little tsunami) and every year before this when Api would come to town, it would be completely party time. We’d shop, eat, sleep and generally have a blast. I had no issues babysitting at all since I knew that all the remaining time was going to be spent on mindless pursuits.

This year is different. I know I should work (as my mom says, dollar bhee to kamanay hain!) but I want to have fun and not work. So there’s this constant push-pull between my room and the room where everyone else is hanging out, between staying at home when everyone goes out, or going with them and shopping. Urgh!

I would, however, like to point out that I do realize that my life is as cool as it can get. I don’t have a boss, make great money, have no responsibilities and generally have a ball, but still… 🙂 we always want more 😀

In other news, (Note for Khamba: this is where the Cosmopolitan bit starts) I made an amazing chocolate cake (having just devoured the last of it) last week. Of course, wasn’t a lot of effort since it was cake mix and store bought frosting, but I have finally figured out the art of frosting, so will take up the Chocolate/Peanut Butter Cake challenge once everyone leaves. Got some wax paper for the bottom removable pan that was utterly useless last time I made that cake and realized that freezing the cake and keeping the frosting at room temperature is the way to go.

And in other random-non-related news, I saw Transformer 2 today. After waiting for one year, watching every trailer that came out ten times and watching the first movie a million times I have now, finally, seen it!

July 5, 2009 at 4:35 pm Leave a comment

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